[Gasps and grunts as she falls on the computer to begin typing, frowning at her pinky hanging by a piece of bone before picking up a nearby stapler and placing it back on. She gives her hand a flex before descending on her poor computer, pounding on the keys hard and fast.] I knew this day would come! I hoped it wouldn’t but I knew it would and silly me they caught me off guard to in the back room after one of my fashion shows. [Shakes her head in disgust] Let me start from the beginning my dear friends and readers. I was just finishing up with a Halloween fashion show when three burly, hairy fat models- yes those witches were as big as my condominium- if I had a condo that is! [Harumphs in satisfaction at the dig and continues] Let me also add they had huge hips that it was a wonder they could make it through the door of the auditorium!
Now as I was saying. These….*bleepin bleeps* (I’m sure kid avi’s probably read this ya know…) dragged me behind the bushes after everyone had left the stadium and proceeded to hold me down- I think one of them actually sat on me with her buick hips but I was having the air crushed from my delicate lungs so I really couldn’t say for sure- and they began to argue on what to do about me. I gleaned a few tidbits as I was huffing and puffing for precious gasps of air. These Bitc…..*bleeps* were jealous! I know what you’re thinking! It’s crazy! [glares at the reader] You do NOT have to agree so readily ya know! But they were jealous of little old humble and sweet me! Now I know I’m a fine specimen and many may be envious of me in some ways but that does not mean that it calls for what they did to me. I won’t go into the gory details so much but I will say that it involved a box cutter, salad fork, two AA batteries, a wedge lime, and a small skinny and long legged rat…On second thought it may have been a chihuahua- I’m beginning to think one of these *bleepity bleeps* was Paris Hilton but don’t quote me on that. As I was said earlier I was running on precious little air supply.
So after they finished their nefarious actions and the skinny rat thing finished humping my foot they left me for dead, never even suspecting that I would survive but look at me now you *bleepers*! I was lucky they had a roller cart nearby- those big rolling carts that you can find at Home depot when you’re been so greedy on your shopping spree that not even a normal shopping cart can hold your crap. After gather my bits and pieces on it I began to roll and push myself to the nearest hospital- 10 miles away!! The doctors looked at me like I was a freak- actually what they really did was laugh when I said I needed to be stitched up again because they thought I was playing some Halloween joke but after beating him and the nurse over the head with with my bloody stump of a leg they finally took me seriously and dragged me to the ER. I have no idea how someone in a few pieces could be playing a joke!
Now after I skipped out on my hospital bill- who would’ve thought 10 yards of string and a needle could cost so much- I had to run to a shop to get some clothes and was lucky enough to get out with this little number! Yes I stole it! (Not really. I couldn’t hobble fast enough and so got caught by the security guard and had to pay him with my last few bills that was stuck in my hair) And now here I am, telling you about my gruesome little story and I pray that those heffers don’t meet up with me one day. Watch out Paris! But it just goes to show you even that couldn’t stop me from rocking this outfit, a cute little number called Charm from the Wishbox along with my gorgeous updo from red Queen.